“You have suffered enough. At war with yourself. Its time that you won.” – Bon Iver
In Radical Acceptance Tara Brach discusses saying “yes” to life. Derived from Buddhist teachings the basic idea of saying “yes” to life is contrary to saying “no” to our experience. What that means is – when we experience suffering, and we fight it, or say “no,” we are pushing away a part of life instead of saying “okay. This is a part of life.” When I first heard this I didn’t know how to react. I had been speed reading through books about letting go and thought the idea of saying “no” and pushing away would work (it obviously was not- since I was now intellectualizing letting go). After trying and challenging the idea with my experience I learned that my approach would not work because it was not accepting that pain was happening and that I had the power to experience it and let it be, rather, I was pushing life away with two fists and wondering why I felt knocked out at the end of the day.
Last Sunday was Superbowl Sunday. I bartended the game and invited a lot of people to come to the bar and watch the game. Many friends ended up coming- to the point that I was overwhelmed by how many people showed up. I felt really loved- but at the same time I have to admit that the experience itself was bittersweet. While it was not anyone’s intention to bring up hurtful emotions it was almost impossible since every person there was/is a close friend of my ex-boyfriend. He was literally the only person missing out of the group aside from one other friend who lives far away. After going through a month of not feeling much of anything regarding this situation for the first time I was hit with a wave that followed me into this morning.
While I was able to stay focused on work during the previous night, after a few shots of Jameson, a long night with my boss’ friends, and an unpleasant dream, I was hit hard when I woke up this morning and immediately started saying “no” to myself, to my feelings and to my heart.
NO came to everything: NO let it go – NO don’t let yourself feel it – NO don’t obsess – NO don’t cry—- NO NO NO.
But all this did was create tension in my body and my mind and my heart and the minute my tasks were over my eyes flooded with tears. At yoga I cried before the first posture started. For an hour and half of Bikram Yoga I continuously avoided looking into my own eyes in the mirror and tried with might to push my thoughts out of my head- replacing each thought about him with “right here, right now,” “no jessie, right here” desperately trying to stay in my practice.
This didn’t work in yoga and this didn’t work in life. I practically spent the day at war in my head unable to focus on the simple act of walking down the street without bumping into others.
While mantra is powerful I did not see until my practice was over that today mantra will not work. Today my practice was just to let everything be with me, to stop forcing and fighting what I feel and instead to say, “yes, okay this too. yes, this is a part of life.” Once I did this I broke down into tears and felt relief and honesty pour out of me. I felt my heart soften and a subtle change in mind and body, allowing me to be with what I was actually feeling.
So I think what I am trying to get at is that letting go does not always have to be this force you push off- rather- it can also be an awareness that whatever you are feeling is a part of life, it needs to be accepted, and if you learn how to see it as just another part, fully accept it, you might be able to move on from it in a way that doesn’t put you into a battle with yourself but rather speaks from your own heart.
