because my mind has been all over the place.
I have been going up and down from thought to thought – not even feeling like my words could go to paper…or blog, for this matter. And then I realized how I was setting this blog (which is essentially meaningless to the world) up for perfection. I told myself that if it was not a perfectly written piece I was not going to post it. I realize that this is a huge excuse for not writing, not posting, not venting. Above all, I did not even write because my life is a little sucky right now. But when is life perfect with flowers and monks and steamed vegetables? It’s not, and my life has never been, really. So Life, not being perfect to my internal standards of perfection, is also not an excuse to not write.
I hope you hold me to this excuse and remind me of it because writing outside of my journal is extremly healing.
That being said, I am afraid to post these writings on Facebook or Twitter because I am afraid you will judge me.
I am afraid you will think that what I have to say is bullshit.
I think that I think all of this because sometimes I think what I have to say is sometimes bullshit – I am always looking for the “aha” moment and lesson, when there might not be one yet. I might not “get” it. I might say I do, so in my sick way, impress you. But it is not true all of the time. Sometimes I am really stuck. Sometimes I have to relearn lessons. Sometimes, and most times, I care way too much about what you think.
*And right now, in a really honest way, I need to write out loud for myself.
The ending of this year has me feeling really sentimental. I feel like things that have been in process this whole year are in a scary way, ending. I specifically refer to: my grandmothers life, my power-battle with my brother, my relationship with a man I am so deeply in love with, my inner war of self hate, relationships with friends that are not serving me, and the end to habits and thoughts I cant’ have anymore.
So the road from this point forward will be bumpy and my writings will not be perfect and I might even misspell a word. But at least I am authentically writing and that for me is healing.
