i think i am the type of person to be outside of what is going on in the “mainstream” more often than not. what i mean is: i dont care that everyone says the world will end in 2012, i dont base my life on what the news says, i don’t know who is in the running for president, i don’t occupy wall street, i care more if something looks good on me than if it is fashionable, and if you asked me if i saw gossip girls last night, i will never say yes. but aside from the pop culture part of life – i don’t rely on doctors to solve my health problems, banks to help me save money, or stuff like that. i kinda just go with the flow. i trust whatever i need to know someone will tell me.
but yesterday i had to go to the doctor. i had a wave of illness out of nowhere an hour before i was supposed to be at work. i started throwing up everything, sweating and having he chills at the same time. i had no balance, not even enough balance to lay in bed. i was really scared. i usually blow off health concernes but this time i knew i had to do something so i went to the “urgent care” center a block from my house.
they took my temperature which was strikingly low, didn’t listen when i said lately i had rapid heartbeat, and had me lie down for a while. they asked me questions and questions that contradicted my previous answers and then gave me Gatorade. at the end i paid $150 and went home. and i still dont know what happened to me. the dr really didnt do anything.
i spent all night trying to think through it. did i cause this? did i mentally create this? i didnt feel stressed. it was so scary though. i was able to get off of work, but what if i couldnt, what would of happened? why did this happen right before work? the questions went on and on and i couldnt shut myself up. i was so mad the dr just basically looked at me. i wanted an answer at least.
my frustration with the system continued today when i went to the library for career consuling. i thought she would open my mind to different types of careers in my field, but all she did was tell me to be an adjunct professor. i had said in the beginning: i dont want to teach college. i said it again, but she kept bringing it up. and then she brought up how yoga is not important. how i should not focus on that, how it is not a career, just an interest.
i guess i just feel not listened to, but in a way, justified.
sometimes i think i should be looking for a “career job” and read the news and do the things everyone else does that makes them feel like a person. but today, i felt a little more grounded in me, and how i handle things, and how i can handle them better, but still in my way or in my vision.
