“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” – Dr Wayne Dyer
I am currently enrolled in the Historical Studies department at The New School. This is supposed to be my last semester earning me a master’s degree. I was supposed to finish a year ago- but due to many circumstances, I prolonged it until now.
I will say that in the last year I have tried so hard to convince myself a degree was something I wanted. I finally stopped forcing I decided I needed to finish the degree because I am so close to the end. Now one week into this semester I see that the next few months pursuing this degree is going to teach me more about myself than anything else.
On day one back in the classroom I was able to see my old self inside everyone else. What I mean is: two years ago I was the intellectual who lives very much in their head, messy hair and attire, hunched back and stiff shoulders. On Monday I sat there as if I was not a part of the room. I looked at everyone and tried to feel a part of the whole but really- I was wondering how they do it. How do they sit and read so much and write hundreds of pages to come up with a theory about a topic that a small percentage of the world will care about. They will eventually argue this topic over and over again. And this process will continue and continue until they get published, or hired, or something.
And please do understand that by no means am I criticizing the other people or people that spend their life in academia. I have great respect for professors and aspiring academics. This is more of a self-reflection of my own growth in a very short time. I used to want the academic life. I used to be that person. Now I am finding it painful to sit in a classroom and cannot fathom spending time in a library.
This contrast between old me and new me trying to be old me used to leave me feeling paralyzed in indecision. What is different than a year ago- when I first tried to finish the degree- is that now I see it as a personal project. I see this as teaching me how to work hard when my heart is not in it. This is me teaching myself discipline to say okay, this is going to be hard, but I can do it, I will figure it out.
You are wondering what is so hard.
After I graduated from The New School in 2009 I was exhausted. I worked full time through my entire college career but was committed to graduating in four years. School had been my stability and escape since I graduated high school. College was the first time I committed myself to my education and at the time I felt my education would empower me to have a life that could help others. Looking back I can see the lessons I learned during this time- but now, after becoming trained in yoga, my values and view of the world has changed so much that telling me to sit and read and write and argue seems so unappealing. A year ago- I fought the system with two fists. All I wanted to do was learn about yoga and myself. It was so hard for me to sit in a classroom and be unable to engage myself that I went into a very dark place internally every time I entered the school. My professors noticed me crying after class on more than one occasion. Something that had been so natural now was so alien. I went from straight A’s to straight incompletes. At the end of the first year I had dropped down to one class and eventually decided to take a semester off completely.
I spent a few months not thinking about school. I taught yoga, went to many new workshops to enhance my teaching, relaxed, and worked a lot. My friends often asked if I was going to go back but I never answered. I didn’t think about it. “Its an old passion” I would say, it doesn’t serve me anymore.
That is exactly how I felt. It is an old passion. I used to love history- but really, I just wanted to be a teacher. That was my goal- to eventually teach high school history. That is why I went to school for history in the first place. I now teach yoga in high schools and have more joy and gratitude for the opportunity than anything in my life thus far. I felt- and feel- happy. I didn’t think a master’s degree made me a better person. I knew I wasn’t going to use the degree for what I thought I was going to use it for.
But what do you do when you are tens of thousands of dollars in debt for a degree that you could be finished with in 4 months? Do you let it go? Or do you finish it?
Until three weeks ago I would have said let it go. I would have probably gotten a little defensive and said “I have a career.”
Now I feel like the process of finishing this degree is another yoga for me. I see it as a pose that may not be easy. This is the pose I want to do but I am terrified of. This is the pose that I need to practice at home over and over again. Actually, as I write this, I see that this degree is like headstand for me. I can’t do headstand, I try it over and over, and I have fallen out of it, but something holds me back from holding myself up in it. I am strong enough to do it. I have the physical arm and core strength to do the pose- but something mental holds me back from success. And that’s what this degree has become. The degree has become my headstand. A challenging asana that I will need to work hard on, but the lessons I will learn on the way, the discipline and strength I will need to endure, along with the focus, will undeniably change me.
So all in all, whether or not I use this degree for something in my future, its in my path now, so just like in headstand I can choose to fight it – or I can choose to let it do some work on me. I think its clear that there is only one choice.
