I have a confession to make. 

I bit off more than I can chew. Put too much on my plate, and on the table. 

And did not think rationally. 

It has been two months since I sent out a newsletter. About one month since I edited my website. And even longer since I wrote a blog post and published it.

I thought about what I should be doing every day. I should automate my posts. I should post on twitter. I should just run a webinar. But I didnt. I didnt feel like it was coming from my heart, and Speak Your Inspiration is about being true and realizing what is going on inside causing you to react outside.

I didn’t want to make it seem like I was so busy and so happy. I was stuck deep inside a severe case of writers block and lack of inspiration. 

So, I let myself explore, hoping whatever I was going through would help you. After two months of digging deep I realized I was stuck between my dreams and my reality.

My reality was that I just moved to Boston from New York. I had a new gift (website design) but I felt lost in the yoga world. For the first time in my life, I was technically unemployed. The dreams I had of coming here and being a lead yoga teacher seemed far feched, especially at first. 
I needed money. And everyday as I applied for jobs I felt as if I was giving myself a spiritual beating. When asked, over and over again, “Why do you want to [insert job I never would want here]? I really wanted to say “I don’t even know what I want.”

I decided to ask myself the question as if I was a Speak Your Inspiration follower:

Dear Jessica,

I just moved to Boston from New York city two months ago. 
I feel like I failed myself. 
I wanted to move and teach. Freelance write. Get my name out there and really live a life I wanted to live. 
But the money is dripping away. My back is injured and yoga is painful. I feel really unconfident in my relationship with my boyfriend as my bank account goes down. 
I sub classes and people ask me where I teach, and I have nothing to say. 
I feel like I had such a great teaching career in New York but an unhappy life. Since I moved I am happier, much happier. But I miss teaching. 
I really do feel like I failed myself and my dreams. 
Please help me break through this.Thanks,Jessica

Dear Jessica, 

Give yourself a break. You didn’t fail, you realized reality, and it is good you did, so you can return to balance. 
Maybe your life right now is exactly what you need to prepare yourself to be a lead teacher, one that Boston has never seen.
You have to remember the best teachers are rational. Many people teach “you can have your dream now!” but can not answer your cries when you are down to your last penny. 
My advice? Get a job but keep your dreams. Have goals. What can you do to keep your dreams afloat? Can you devote 10 hours a week to web design and teach two classes a week? 
Take time to heal and refind the beauty in your yoga practice. When you feel best inside you will teach best.

With love,

Jessica

Writing to myself helped me uncover what I was trying to hide and open my mind to what is actually going on and what I needed to take action on. 

The results? I feel rejuvinated. 

I laugh, and I mean it. 

I got a paying job, one that actually works around my schedule. 

Website requests are coming in weekly and my portfolio is growing. 

I have been subbing yoga classes and will be teaching at South End Yoga weekly.

My email has been flooded with people asking for advice and I am so happy to help.

I feel better and more in touch with my true message.

If you have a question, need help, or want to connect, please write into the contact form. Whatever you write is confidential. It will be sent right to my email.

I just left a job fair in Manhattan called “How to Land a Job in International Development.” I am almost embarrassed to say I left early. But I guess I really am not, if I am saying it here.

I hold a masters degree in Middle Eastern Historical Studies with a focus on Iran pre and post revolution. My work is primarily based on how Amercia views the Middle East and than persuades the public to lobby behind a specific view (take veiling, for example) to turn the Middle East into “bad” and the U.S “good.” Last week I spent $11.99 on Time magazine because it had coverage of the Middle East during Arab Spring.

I spent $100,000 on 6 years of schooling and countless hours reading, writing and researching. I have so much passion that I can barley sit when conversation arises around any topic that relates to the Middle East.

But I walked out of a job fair on how to get a job in International Development. Why?

It didn’t take this seminar to show me that a career in International Development is not for me anymore. I knew that before I went into it. I think I knew that before I got my Masters. For both, I just promised myself ill follow through with my commitment and go with an open mind.

Unfortunately I learned that the career I desire is, as I anticipated, is hard to get. So even though I need the money and finding a career that relates to your degree is what I am “supposed” to do, I am not going to do it.

I don’t want to go into an entry level position where I’m an administrative assistant. I would like to travel, but apparently you need 7-10 years of feild expeirence. Which means you really need to work in a job for about 15 years before you are qualified. But first of course you need to get hired, which now that I’m thinking about it, people really should get paid for job searching because it can take up more time than a full time job.

So by the time I qualify, I will be a mom,  and I will not be able to, nor will I want to, leave my kids and husband go to work in Saudi Arabia. I wanted that life when I was 20, but now that I am 25, I don’t anymore. 

I don’t want to wake up one day and wonder where my life went for what I love the most.

I think a lot of times the jobs we stay stuck in are just because we are stuck and afraid to change (I am facing this now, but I will save that for another post). I remember when I was getting my degree the career I imagined was all about feeelance writing, researching what I want, consulting the big wigs and forming an amnesty international type organization.

That dream job and life is not really what my heart wants anymore. I know you know what my point is but I am going to say it: I want an easy life. 

I want to always work and always be involved in something my heart believes in.

And I really believe if I am meant to do that work: consulting, research, writing, then I will do it my own way. And the dream will come true as long as I stay happy and as long as it is best for my life. 

I know what working on what you love feels like. I can spend all day working on my website, reading up how to write more effectively, learning the tools that the most successful entrepreneurs have, etc.

The same goes for teaching yoga. I always want to be a better teacher: more driven, more confident. The works.

I am choosing to become a school teacher when I move to Boston this summer. I am excited to write my cover letter and tell people about my plans and how I am excited to still keep teaching yoga and mentoring, but work on paying off my loans at the same time. 

I promsie to always have this enthuasiam when it comes to work. 

So what I really got today out of the seminar is that my passion and love of the Middle East is here and vibrant, and I don’t need a job to prove it. I was so excited to come home and finish my teaching cover letter explaining why I have a specific masters degree but I rather use my knowledge and skills to teach. 

I just left a job fair in Manhattan called “How to Land a Job in International Development.” I am almost embarrassed to say I left early. But I guess I really am not, if I am saying it here.

I hold a masters degree in Middle Eastern Historical Studies with a focus on Iran pre and post revolution. My work is primarily based on how Amercia views the Middle East and than persuades the public to lobby behind a specific view (take veiling, for example) to turn the Middle East into “bad” and the U.S “good.” Last week I spent $11.99 on Time magazine because it had coverage of the Middle East during Arab Spring.

I spent $100,000 on 6 years of schooling and countless hours reading, writing and researching. I have so much passion that I can barley sit when conversation arises around any topic that relates to the Middle East.

But I walked out of a job fair on how to get a job in International Development. Why?

It didn’t take this seminar to show me that a career in International Development is not for me anymore. I knew that before I went into it. I think I knew that before I got my Masters. For both, I just promised myself ill follow through with my commitment and go with an open mind.

Unfortunately I learned that the career I desire is, as I anticipated, is hard to get. So even though I need the money and finding a career that relates to your degree is what I am “supposed” to do, I am not going to do it.

I don’t want to go into an entry level position where I’m an administrative assistant. I would like to travel, but apparently you need 7-10 years of feild expeirence. Which means you really need to work in a job for about 15 years before you are qualified. But first of course you need to get hired, which now that I’m thinking about it, people really should get paid for job searching because it can take up more time than a full time job.

So by the time I qualify, I will be a mom,  and I will not be able to, nor will I want to, leave my kids and husband go to work in Saudi Arabia. I wanted that life when I was 20, but now that I am 25, I don’t anymore. 

I don’t want to wake up one day and wonder where my life went for what I love the most.

I think a lot of times the jobs we stay stuck in are just because we are stuck and afraid to change (I am facing this now, but I will save that for another post). I remember when I was getting my degree the career I imagined was all about feeelance writing, researching what I want, consulting the big wigs and forming an amnesty international type organization.

That dream job and life is not really what my heart wants anymore. I know you know what my point is but I am going to say it: I want an easy life. 

I want to always work and always be involved in something my heart believes in.

And I really believe if I am meant to do that work: consulting, research, writing, then I will do it my own way. And the dream will come true as long as I stay happy and as long as it is best for my life. 

I know what working on what you love feels like. I can spend all day working on my website, reading up how to write more effectively, learning the tools that the most successful entrepreneurs have, etc.

The same goes for teaching yoga. I always want to be a better teacher: more driven, more confident. The works.

I am choosing to become a school teacher when I move to Boston this summer. I am excited to write my cover letter and tell people about my plans and how I am excited to still keep teaching yoga and mentoring, but work on paying off my loans at the same time. 

I promsie to always have this enthuasiam when it comes to work. 

So what I really got today out of the seminar is that my passion and love of the Middle East is here and vibrant, and I don’t need a job to prove it. I was so excited to come home and finish my teaching cover letter explaining why I have a specific masters degree but I rather use my knowledge and skills to teach. 

You might of guessed by now that the reason you have trouble speaking in front of the room is because you are uncomfortable with yourself. 

This is not to put you down or anything, I totally know how you feel (remember, the only reason I am in this place right now is because I went through it).

So this week, marinate on the idea that if you got rid of your excuses of “why not,” what would you be left with?

If you comment I WILL respond. I promise it will help you and other people. 

Much love <3 

Yesterday I went to a class at Exhale in Boston. Out of respect for the teacher I am not going to mention a name or time. I will just say Teacher.

I got to class right on time and settled in. There were on three people in the class – which for New York is light, but for Boston it is probably normal in a primarily financial area at lunch time.

I taught a lot of small group classes in the beginning of my yoga teaching career. For me, it was really a chance for me to connect and learn how to help people individually within a diverse environment.

There were 2 other people in class: a slightly overweight middle aged woman. By no means was she “fat” but it was clear that postures the instructor could ease into were a bit difficult for her. The other woman was an older woman. Probably in her 60’s – who did not seem to practice often and I noticed throughout the class she would try and modify on her own. And then there was me. I was probably the only “regular” practitioner of yoga. However, lately every pose has been a challenge for me. I have been stuck with a cold for the past week and I have not been regular with my practice since my boyfriend moved to Boston, (which added on about 8 hours of crunched up sitting on a bus/week). So even though I might be the most “advanced” it did not mean I was “better,” for lack of a better word, than the other students in the class. In fact, especially lately, I have felt like the elephant in the room, the one who looks like she should be able to do all of the poses but cant.

Anyway. The point of all of this description was that the teacher didn’t ask us about us. He didn’t introduce himself, he didn’t ask me if I had an injury or anything. He didn’t ask anyone in class how long they have been practicing. I was a little surprised but I let it go.

We moved through the warm up and into some of the more challenging sequences. At this point  I looked over to the older woman to my right and I saw her struggling a bit. Going from warrior one, to warrior two, to reverse warrior, to side angle, is challenging for ANYONE. I saw her trying to modify and having trouble and the inner teacher/saver wanted to run over and help her and show her how she can use blocks or come down to a knee. But obviously, I couldn’t and I didn’t.

As class continued the teacher taught just as Iyengar writes in Light on Yoga. All description and no heart. I noticed that the Teacher did not even look at us when we moved through the postures to make sure we were doing things in an aligned way. Teacher just moved on without adding any personality to the postures. It was just reaching the right leg up. Place foot through. Arms up. no heart.

This is when I began to realize that I am a good teacher.

Not only do I engage with my classes so it is more of  a conversation between my teaching and their bodies, but I also am incredibly ‘on top’ of helping those who are having trouble. I walk into every class hoping that my students feel rejuvenated – not defeated.

So as class went on I kept this in mind and started to feel a little confident about my teaching. This confidence automatically translated into the way I moved in the room. I took on challenging poses and advanced when I felt ready. I held my balance better than I have been as of late, and I ended the class feeling strong.

Lately, I have not been teaching adult classes because I am planning to move. Since I would have to engage with new studios it is probably not in my best interest to make and then break a relationship. In a way, although this decision has given me time to practice more and gain inspiration but instead, I have felt crappy. I have felt like a not-real yoga instructor. I guess I fell into the swamp of “I can’t do x,y,z so therefore I suck.”

But that all changed while I was in this class. At the end of class the teacher asked me if I was a teacher. Teacher didn’t ask me what my name was, just if I was a teacher.  I smiled and said yes. My thoughts fired a mile a minute. “omg it must be obvious!” “I must give it off!” 

A woman in the class came up to me as well and asked me where I teach. I told her I am only teaching privates and kids right now as I am in transition to move to Boston. She seemed excited that I would be joining the Yoga Community here and wished me well. 

I felt so good leaving the class and rushed to a cafe to write about my experience. It was a perfect reminder that confidence can find you anywhere. Especially when you don’t expect it.

I have a pinched nerve and I am letting it turn me into a crazy person.

I have never really had back pain. I did when I was in highschool, but I am sure everyone did with their large backpacks and slumping seats. In my adult life I have yet to have an injury thats dibilitating and depressing until now. 

I know, pinched nerve sounds like something I am over dramatizing, but I’m not. It really hurts and when the pain comes it takes over my back from the bottom of the rib cage to the tip of my spine. Any movement feels like hell when the pain comes on and more often than not, if I am working while this is happening, I am letting the pain come and coqnuer until I am numb. 

This has been going on for a month and I am just getting more and more frustrated as time goes on. 

For help: I have tried yoga, which helps until I work at the restaurant. Massage, which helps for the day not for the long run, chiropractor – which is too expensive for me to go to on a constant basis, and accupuncture – which I have been giving a real shot, but the pain has only moved, it hasnt decreased. 

I think people with mind/body awareness, primarily yogis, are used to feeling every sensation in their bodies and knowing pain is imperminant. Were used to “tuning in” and just knowing what feels out of place and what does not. I simply know when my hips are tighter than normal, and when I am holding too much hurt or pain in my heart that it is clenching my entire upper back. 

This injury made me realize that maybe the rest of the population only knows when their body hurts. I know my boyfriend is only eager to stretch when he is in dibilitating pain. The same goes for many people I know – that they only take care when they need to recover. 

So how did this happen to me? I do yoga all of the time. I am in good shape. I care about my back and body. Probably the mind/body reason. 

I usually go straight to the source but I did some research on this since “pinched nerve” is not in Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life. 

The back also represents that which is behind you. Very often we do not see clearly that which is behind us. Back problems generally represent conflict between the urge to move forward and the inertia of an unforgiven past that holds us back. This tension very often separates us from both and pain is the result. Louse Hay suggests that backs generally represent support.

The mid back is the link between the shoulder and the lower back. It can be a weak link. As we firm up our shoulders and become willing to take on the responsibilities of Life, and we have gathered around us the financial and emotional support we need (lower back), something sneaks up and stabs us in the back. This is a blind spot. Not only can we not see it, but is very difficult to reach. The weak link crumbles. It is the saboteur or seducer that takes us off our path. Located in this area are the Tonification points (called ‘Shu’ points) for the Liver, the Stomach, and the Spleen. These organs are responsible for the transformation and transportation of Qi, and the free flow of Qi in the body. Blockages here affect the entire body and can stop you dead in your tracks. The Spleen represents Worry or Overthinking and the Liver represents Anger or base emotions. Both of these can sabotage even the best laid plans. 

And that explination kind of settled it all for me. 

I am in the place of moving right now. Moving physically, emotionally, locationally. Until this week when I decided on a plan with my life coach, I was stuck. I did not know what I was doing and when. I just kind of was waiting for someone to come down and give me the life I wanted. I was scared to move to a new city. I still am, but with her help she got me into designing what I want my life to look like and how I can get to that point soon. 

I wasnt taking the responsibilites of life in and I wasnt letting myself transform into the me I want to be. Being in pain has jolted me out of my comfort zone in work, at home, in my sleep. I have never been so ready and hapily ready to leave NY. 

Maybe I waited too long to get help- and that is why the pain is still here. Technically I did not move yet, I just devised and am living out a plan. But now, the pain only comes when I work at the restaurant…so you just have to wonder…